(CNN)Ever since he was a child, Kevin Curry would pray for God to "fix" him and take away his sadness.
"Everything feels good, but I don't feel good," Curry said. "Why is that? Why is it sunny outside and everybody wants to go and play? The only thing that I want to do is run back inside and go up under my bed and just be there."
His depression — paired with losing his job and girlfriend — felt so inescapable in his late 20s, he decided to end his life.
"I remember mapping out everything perfectly," said Curry, pausing as he started to choke up. "I was putting together all my finances. I was writing my notes, writing my letters."
"It was so calculated that I researched how to cut my wrist, and I had drawn Sharpie marks on my arms for how to actually do it."